Common Sense Living

Posts Tagged ‘Mothers’

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My sister and I were talking about Joan Crawford and Judy Garland and how our own mother had similar traits. It’s a pain that never goes away.

Many of you wrote in after my last post about my mother relating painful experiences that you had too.

Why am I so intent on writing about this subject? Because Mothers are the most powerful people in the world. We create leaders, or terrorists, self confident, or messed up, or healthy or sick adults.

Yes, the role of a mother is difficult, and time consuming.

It’s gotten to the point where kids aren’t disciplined, or fed right, or they don’t get enough sleep or exercise, Parents are working hard, and often don’t feel like dealing with kids when they get home. Dinner is fast food or something microwaved so that these parents can sit in front of the TV and unwind. After all, they’re entitled, aren’t they?

Maybe you are entitled, but the kids gotta come first. I know of a couple of parents like those above that are going to be in for a rude awakening when their kid gets old enough to move out.

That’s what Mother’s Day really is all about. The mothers that gave their all to make sure that their kids had the best start in life.

The mothers who lovingly made fresh dinners, packed fresh lunches, and in their spare time, made fresh chocolate chip cookies.

The mothers who kept a home where the kids weren’t embarrassed to bring their friends.

Many of these tremendous mothers worked. And most of these fantastic women don’t get any fanfare – except for Mother’s day, birthdays, and Christmas.

Instead, I hear comments like this one I heard today, “I’ll have to cook. My husband and my son won’t lift a finger to fix a meal or help clean up.”

So, what’s the whole point here?

If you’re lucky enough to have a good mother – give her a day off. Give her a clean house, and a day off from cooking. Show her the appreciation she deserves. Is she the most important person in your life, or a slave? I mean, c’mon…

If you are a mother, take this time to reflect on the job you’ve been doing as a mother. What will your kids be like when they grow up? Will they be healthy, confident leaders in society? Or will they be fat and sick, and not able to function in society?

If you know of a kid who has a troubled relationship with their mom, or an absent mom – be there for them. You can make a difference. I’ve had many fabulous mothers step in to give me advice, encouragement, and guidance. I will always love them for it. And I’ve tried to do the same for troubled kids that come in and out of our lives. It’s not the same as having your own great mother, but it sure is a whole lot better than none at all.

I’ve read your stories of selfish mothers, alcoholic mothers, and absent mothers. And I know firsthand how you’ve tried to function normally even though you never really had a good example.

And I’ve read your touching stories of great mothers who are now gone.

In the book Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul, and a Second Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul, there are a number of stories about memories left by great mothers and grandmothers. They are stories that I can’t really relate to – but I dream about what it must be like, and I aspire to, even though I was never really equipped. (These books are great gifts ideas if your mom doesn’t own a copy. I pick it up and read a story here and there when I have a few minutes to relax. I thought it was a corny gift when I first got it, but it turned out to be a thoughtful gift.)

For some reason, mothers touch our lives in ways no one else can.

Image by enggul via Flickr

 
It’s been a weird week for me. Ads are starting for Mother’s Day, and my mother’s birthday would be this weekend. It’s especially weird this year because I am just turning the age when she died.

My mom died at age 53 from sinus cancer. It’s still pretty rare, but then it was unheard of.

My mom didn’t give herself a chance at life.

She never spent any time outdoors. She never ate fresh fruits or vegetables. She used salt like it was going out of style. She didn’t get any exercise.

She smoked 3 cartons of cigarettes a week (I kid you not), and drank.

When she was being diagnosed, I talked to the doctor in the hall before he went in to see her. I explained to him that she smoked a lot, and that she had a drinking problem that she would deny. He acted like I was lying and went in to question her.

He proceeded to ask her questions about her lifestyle. He asked her if she drank. She said yes.

He asked how much. She said 2 drinks a day.

At this point he gives me a dirty look and asks her what she drinks. She simply states, “JB.”

He says, “JB and what?” She says, “ice.”

He asks, how big a glass. She says, “oh, you know, a regular glass”, and makes motions with her hands to show the size of a regular tumbler. Like you would drink pop in.

I thought the doctor was going to fall off his chair.

She was drinking 32 oz. of straight JB a day – but in her mind, she was only drinking 2 drinks a day.

We weren’t close. My mother was abusive. I left home at 16. I was 18 when the state gave me emergency custody of my 15 year old sister.

I tried to be there for her as much as I could, but my plate was pretty full. I had my grandparents that needed help (her parents), a premature baby at home with a tracheotomy and medical equipment, an alcoholic husband, a house, a dog, a yard, and a full time job. At one point I had my grandfather in one hospital, my mom in another, and my grandmother didn’t drive. And I lived an hour away from all of them. The only help I had was my good friend who would watch my daughter because I couldn’t leave her with her dad.

The cancer was pretty awful, and quick. It ate through her esophagus so that if she drank a glass of water she would drown. It quickly spread to her brain. She was dead in 6 months.

I quit drinking after that. I eat well and take my vitamins. I get plenty of exercise. But one thing I’ve never been able to conquer is the stress in my life. My life has always been a circus. And I still smoke. I guess it’s my form of tranquilizer. (I never claimed to be perfect!)

As I come up to my mother’s birthday I wonder, will this be the year I fall over and die from the stress? Will I be one of those people that has a heart attack out of nowhere? Will I manage to live longer than my mother? Weird, isn’t it?

Turns out that I’m certainly not alone in my mother issues. Mothers have quite a hold on their children that effects them throughout life. From now until mother’s day, I’ll be writing about some of these. I think we need to address the issues we harbor within ourselves about our mothers, and try to understand how we might be affecting our kids.

And you can bet I’ll be focusing on eating even healthier than usual until the end of the year when I will have managed to live longer than my mother.

Want to join me on my eat healthy to stay alive crusade?